Book Review: Love and Logic

As I watch the three loverly’s grow I am posed with a conundrum. In one year, the average child learns to suck from the breast or a bottle, drink from a cup, sip from a straw. He also masters eating solids, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking and clapping. More over babies can understand directions, recognize faces, shapes, colors, numbers, letters and speak. Why can’t they behave when we want them to?

I want to enjoy being around my kids and I want others to enjoy being around them. We have tried to instill basic courtesies. They know please and thank you. Do not hit. Do not bit. Be gentle to the cat. Share your toys. Do not jump on the couch. Do they always stay within the bounds? No, of course not, they are kids. They like to test the waters and they like to do it when we least expect it. It is our job to constantly be one step ahead of them. So we arm ourselves with what we know and the lessons learned by others and hope for the best.

Granted I remember many times as a teenager I thought I knew what I was doing and luckily I had a mom to step in and redirect me. When I am dealing with my own little ones I cannot count how many times I have thought, “what in the world are you doing?” “You should know better!” There are plenty of adults I would ask the same questions. Being a mom is one of the most challenging jobs I have undertaken. With so many books on the subject you would think we moms and dads would have it all figured out. Problem is the majority of experts writing those books focus on the average child and do not take into account the differences of personality. After spending hundreds of dollars to help me figure out why my kid was slightly different from the other kids he played with and not getting anywhere I got the best advice you can get. It was free and from an experienced mom.

That was where I was three years ago. I felt like I was failing miserably. Nothing worked. I tried reading books. I tried watching the Nanny shows. I talked with friends. My son was getting angrier and acting out even more. I was running out of consequences. His toys were gone. There was nothing left in his room but a bed. Why the answer is never there before we reach the dead end eludes me. I was at a friend’s house pouring out my frustrations. She mentioned she had the same struggles with finding consequences and offered to let me borrow a book that helped her. I did not want to scoff in her face. I doubted another book written by another so called expert would be of any help. Politely, I accepted the book. That night I flipped through it. The following day I had finished reading the entire book. It was exactly what I was searching for. I admit I was completely overwhelmed at first. Yet, to my surprise there was a completely different kid living with us after a few days of implementing the strategies taught in the book.

After some observation I made an alarming discovery. My child was not only 100% all natural certified “boy”, but he is a sensitive and spirited child. The average child has an activity level of seven. One being the lowest, ten the highest. Spirited children have an activity level of 9. When I placed him in time out or yelled at him he got worse. Love and Logic helped me realize I was going about discipline the wrong way. We do not have to use a big voice or act authoritative in order to correct bad behavior. Rather allow the child to discover their mistakes and learn how to make right choices while in a loving environment. Instead of saying “that was naughty, you go to time out, now!” I can calmly put my hand on his should, sing “uh-uh, you chose to go to time out!” He is calmly and quietly moved to a time out spot, his bedroom or couch. When he is calm I go to him and give him a big hug and kiss, calmly ask him why he is there and tell him he may come out of time out. As Mason got older we started using delayed consequences. If he broke a rule and I was unable to come up with a consequence right away, the next time he wanted a treat, to play a game or watch TV we would tell him “that’s so sad. You did this.

Love and Logic is also all about making choices. Give the responsibility back to the child. Say things like “do you want to put your shirt on first our your pants?” When they ask for a treat before dinner ask “would you like to have it with your dinner or after?” If it is cold outside, rather than get in a fight over a coat say “it is cold outside, I am going to wear my coat so I do not get cold. Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?” But never give a choice that you cannot follow through on. Choices 99% of the time will defuse the situation. Both parties win.

Love and Logic has become the preferred method of parenting in foster homes and schools around the country. I can see why. The phylosopy is simple. Teach responsibilty and how to make wise choices in a loving, calm and safe environment. The Love and Logic website is a great tool to get up to speed as well as The Parents of Love and Logic group on Cafemom.